The most detrimental choice that I made was chasing after purpose. I did not know what to do after high school. The high school I went to put a lot of pressure on going to college and making a career choice while I was a sophomore. I did not know what to do. I started trying to look for my purpose as if I was gonna get all of the answers to questions like what I was good at and how I was going to be successful. All of the stress piled up and led to suicidal attempts, spending three days in the psych ward and then missing school. The more I searched for my purpose, the less I felt fulfilled. I made my own purpose sometimes and tried to take control. I didn’t enjoy life at all and it was hard for me to build a foundation. As I grew up my likes changed and what I thought I wanted I didn’t want anymore. It took me seeking God instead of my purpose to know that it isn’t for me to know right now. I have the choice of being happy if I didn’t hold myself to such high standards and accept who I was created to be. Instead of trying to be God let God do his job.
A career isn’t the sole reason why we live. It is beyond that. In our society, it feels like that is all we live for.
Comment down below if you have any advice or if you want to share your experience.
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I would always get excited and anxious for something cool to happen. A huge life changing event. Something where I am actually recognized or I finally master what ever gift or talent I needed to master and then voila my life will change. The question is would I be ready. Am I too young to reach success? Will I be able to handle it? Do I have to have it all together before God can grant me the desires of my heart? I am always just dreaming and when I find out that a dream can possibly be a reality I start to panic and if it is a dream that is beyond my imagination then I really start to panic.
I would get very excited and tense at the same time. It is like I am ready for it all to happen for me now but am I really ready.
If I am able to do the unbelievable shall I shrink back in fear because I am afraid to fall on my face or should I try something different and see what happens?
Before mid ending 2014 I was an emotional wreck like I was mad, sad and in rage. Now I went from depressed or in rage to just numb. I went from not okay to feeling bored and just like I don’t want to do anything. I feel numbed out for a really emotional human being.
I want to feel immense satisfaction , joy and yes at times I do feel at peace but I want it to be long lasting. I want to feel something other than numb. It feels weird.
Feeling and emotion is like the transferring of dimensions or inspires the transferring of an idea from one dimension to another. Let me use an example: a dream. A dream can be a spiritual thought transferred from the man upstairs to you and how you feel about the dream or feel like it is trying to tell you can help you interpret the dream or use the dream for other things. For me a dream is the normal source of inspiration for a story or a script.
Feeling can be part of intuition or discernment. But emotion is evoked. Emotion springs from a situation.
I am very clouded that I can not tell the difference as far as my feelings and emotions. I know that emotions is what brings everything from mediocre to a totally different dimension. I really want to use my writing as an outlet for my emotions but I need to dig deep in order for that to happen.
I feel like this numb state that I am in also effects my imagination. It is hard for me to have ideas of my own because of my being numb and non receptiveness.
Numb for me is not feeling nothing or being closed off, kinda like being blind or ignorant. It does not feel like bliss it just feels like a blank space and I am the blank space.
It feels like I lost my edge and my heart to do good for God and I am oblivious to my soul. The soul is where feelings come from that can turn into emotions if we let our flesh enter into a pure thought.
The numbness I am talking about is not the ”I do not care” connotation of being numb. My numbness is the type of numb where I do not feel anything besides a void. My emotions are dried up that I am in the constant state of I don’t know. Now sometimes numbness can lead people into doing the same stuff as the “I do not care” people would do but for different intentions.
I have to have hope and dig dip for numbness is the clouding of my emotions and feelings. Only through God can I understand my soul and operate with in it and translate my soul into the things I do.
As a Christian who is trying to get this whole discipleship thing right I would always be so harsh to myself and maybe even box myself in a little. I do not give myself freedom and space or try and get to know myself and be like “hey I’m sorry if I hurt you and I need to treat you better do YOU have any suggestions”. I would see the bad and criticize myself on how much I’m reading the bible, how many mistakes I made. Believe me if I had a whip I probably would be like the man in the Da Vinci code giving myself so many lashes because I am always doing the wrong thing or being un christ like. I would always forget something very important. God is the only thing that can validate me. God is the reason why I am weird, he is the reason why I am this way he just wants me to be myself and learn how to be better. God does not want me to put myself down to the point of plotting suicide and being okay with torture in hell. Why would God want that?
God loves me and he sees past everything and looks into my heart and so deep all the way to my soul and says look at this beautiful soul right here. I can not wait for this soul to just be let loose and set free. I love this soul so much that I gave my only son for it. This soul right here is capable of a lot of good things.
Instead I look at myself. I look at MYSELF. I do not even look at my soul because I am soo busy being a confused 20 year old. I am trying to find her. I am such a chameleon that I forget who I am.
God does everyone like that. He knows you are human and he looks deeply with in you and be like this soul right here is beautiful.
Know God, let God set you free and let yourself be receptive to lead a life that is more than what this natural world can give. Live a supernatural life. A life that surpasses boundaries and that goes beyond the normal eyes.
This picture speaks to me because it is Salar De Uyuni in Bolivia. It is made of salt. All of the salt has made something very beautiful and has to work together.
Today while attending church (not chapel a different church) I was listening to the pastor and while hear the pastor speak on how God made sunday as a day of rest and worship I started to ponder on the word worship more and more.
Worship is more than just singing or praying. At the church I go to they believe in using art as a form of worship (such as paintings). I love that idea and the fact that they are expanding the forms of worship that can take place during a church service.
Worship is the way we live our lives. We give ourselves to christ to use us. We use are abilities and talents to communicate with him or thank him. Prayer is an act of worship, dance is an act of worship, eating (like my favorite book: Eat, Pray Love) is an act of worship (don’t get it confused with worshipping food through). We all worship but we don’t worship mindfully.
Do we ever take time to just enjoy the weather outside or thank God for the beautiful scenery (even through it may not be paradise) but there is something unique about it.
Are we ever praying, letting God know what is in our hearts and minds? Are we using are emotions while praying? Are we putting all of our heart and soul into what we are doing?
We are worshippers. If we don’t worship one thing we will worship something else like Beyonce. We need to worship or either we will feel lost. Worship also brings us to others who worship and we establish relationships and families. We spread love throughout these families because that is what we are created to do.
But what are we doing now?
We worship by loving. What ever we love to do we are worshipping by doing it. Whenever we show others affection we are worshipping. When we are putting our all into something we are worshipping.
But again, what are we doing now?
How are you going to make money? You are going to be poor/homeless. This is what I get a lot of times from various people. By now many of you know that I want to go into ministry. Ministry seems like something not worth spending your time and money on in this day and age. As far as being an almost 20 year old (I know I’m young (19)) who has had huge dreams about living this amazing life and having lots of money. One thing we all must know that it is not about the money. It never was. Yes money is a tool but we don’t need it. People live off the land or off things we don’t consider of value. We throw away food. Water we can get from many different places. Shelter is probably the only thing that would be hard to find but we can find shelter some how. We are humans. We have creativity. Even the most left brained person has creativity. We have to have this in order to survive and thrive. Anyway this dilema of me being in ministry and not having money does make me anxious and so I start to plan on ways to sell my ministry. Ministry is something that can’t be sold. We should just do the greater good and not respect anything in return. Recently I watched a video (http://vimeo.com/45451559) on christian ministry pornography. It was something that opened up my eyes a little bit more. Jon Acuff says that “we can be so focused on the dream and not the journey” (this quote has been summarized I highly encourage you to watch this video). This something else I have been hearing a lot but from different places like the yoga class that I am taking right now.
Again, I’ve had big dreams. Had. I start to plan and then when I plan out my dreams (like when I was in international business I had a plan to go to the peacecorps afterwards) I would always say what is next or this is boring because I don’t have anything else to do. I look at what age I would be and then say well my life is short. Well since life is short and I am about to spend my 20s in bible college or seminary that means I must enjoy somethings in life today.
Enjoying today, this moment and practicing mindfulness has been a problem for me but I find that in the state of the present that is when we do more. We are more creative and we are elevated in power and spirituality. People use weed to get there or maybe other drugs that’ll slow you down. Some people will use other forms that will get them to that point of living in the present through something that comes instanteously. We must go slower in order to have a better product or outcome. We must have an intimate experience or relationship with what we are doing. Everything is an art whether it is good or bad it is an art. What I mean by art is something that is crafted so well that it is also aesthetic. My version of art can go as far as an divine experience or an experience that seems divine( meaning it didn’t come from God). We can live life as an art form and have those moments when living in the present by thanking God. You become more thankful. That bird that you find annoying in the morning can be the absolute most dreamlike song you have ever heard. The clouds in the sky, just looking at them and their majesticness can become a surreal experience.
One simple experience that I have learned from yoga is paying attention to your breath. It is something very fascinating. You can feel your body fill up with air as you inhale and then squeeze the air out. It is very relaxing when your body does it natural. The exhale is a release. Not only is it a release of all the air that’ll build up in your body but it is a release of toxins as well.
What does this have to do with money? Living has no value. People who are homeless live, people who are in Africa live. Living is something that can be done with having a relationship and appreciating that certain person (not just romantic relationships) prescence. Taking the time out to acknowledge who you are helping or caring for (which was something else mentioned in the video). It does not take multi millions of dollars to live and it does not take some daredevil ab-sailing or stuff like that.
Another Video that you probably watched: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86x-u-tz0MA