Seminary School=Scary Place

I am afraid. This is the most terrifying thing in my life that I am dealing with…..it’s called answering the calling. I know that fear is the root of sin (I wrote about it). I know that it causes separation.

 

Why am I afraid?

I never liked school. At the beginning of my college career I had to go to a summer program (I will talk about what all happened in another post but not right now) and a lot of stuff happened that affected me in the next semester. During my fall semester at the first college I had many issues such as depression and laziness. I went to all my classes, I did go to a few parties( but I didn’t drink or have drugs), I paid attention and I still failed. If I really look at it it all started from my last years in highschool (another post for another time). But anyway I am scared because of failure. I went to college and I was a business major. I was very passionate about business. I took classes on how to start your own business and went to meetings with business women. I didn’t want to work for anyone and I could never imagine myself living the regular life stuck in a office and then going home. That just wasn’t for me. Seminary school on the other hand is waaay more difficult than just regular college. Seminary school is a serious place. No music and lots of analyzation. Many people would say that it is a good fit for me because of how serious I am and analytical I can be at times. But the past prevails (and as I think of finals) I think of me being burned out and not wanting to do this. I have worried my mom till she wanted to start throwing stuff at me and said if you don’t want to do this then don’t but then it is like I do want seminary school. I want to go after this life style that I want. I can not imagine myself doing anything else and I love it. I have freedom with it and can make it work for me…plus travel opportunities and I get the best of both worlds. It is my dream life. But then I start thinking about people who are doctors and engineers…people who are heros to others or making lots of money. It really gets to me because I would feel like i’m not smart (and I am very smart…) or I am just not doing anything really because this whole thing about being a preacher is so surreal for me. I’m not even in the seminary school(yet).  

 

For me being in college and going to school for business was a comfort zone that I was forced out of. With a degree in (I was in the international business program) international business I could travel the world and have money. Now it is like I have no plan what-so-ever. The only things I know is that I want to have my own church for a while( I have it all written out from a long time ago) and the fact that the world sabbatical was just the coolest word ever (I learned about this when I was 16 working as a receptionist for a non profit).

 

Another fear is the fear of being on my own again. My best friend/ devil’s advocate(in a loving way) has brought up another fear while I was writing this. I want to be alone and away from my family. I have always wanted this and it is not because of how dysfunctional they can be. I wanted to see what the world has to offer and see different parts of America. I have been in the midwest most of my life and it is now time to just break free. My fear is of my depression and being bipolar. I’m getting so sick of that being a reason why I can’t do anything or go anywhere because people think I will be suicidal or I need medication. It pisses me off. 1. I am never EVER going to take medication again because that stuff makes me sick and drowsy.

Lately I have been thinking that I need to shut it all off. Go read the Berserk Manga finally. Get my mind off of the exciting yet very scary life change. If I continue to listen to such things I may not even go and this is something I have no real choice in.  Therefore I shall go and relax.

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Luhan why……..

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I just recently got into Got 7 but this pretty much sums up the k-pop world

K-pop. K-pop is something that I started getting into in highschool. I was a j-pop fan before anything but hey such as life.  My favorite group is exo and that is the only group I like (I like other groups but not consistently before it was shinee).  EXO meets all of my criteria such as awesome music that I would actually pay money for, unique and cool. It is fresh and I love it. Shinee was my first favorite group and I still like their songs (I would buy their songs too) but I don’t like all of their songs and sometimes I don’t like their new style and stuff like that. Big bang is too much of a popular group and I like some of their songs. Girl groups for this post don’t count because I am just going to be talking about boy groups. Over the past couple of years that I have liked k-pop I have been through biases(favorites):

1. Taemin

2. Key

3. Minho

4. Jonghyun

5.Luhan

6. Zelo (I know that is BAP)

7. Luhan

So there it is. This post will be mostly about Luhan cause I have the most problems with him. I liked Kris, D.O., Chen and Xiumin but it has always been luhan. Jonghyun I wrestle with from time to time but it is isn’t as bad. Usually I get rid of biases because they have some sort of turn off for me. Luhan has been consistently my bias from day one and has not faltered (even when I was not into k-pop for a while) but it is just something about him.  I do want to see him more in the spotlight and know more about him ( with k-pop it goes beyond entertaining).  It was really weird because I like older men (luhan is older but he looks younger and that is the kicker). I like luhan because of who he is(funny, dork and so on).  But it wasn’t until one day I was just really engulfed. This engulfment lasted more then just one day. I was just like I don’t like anyone else but luhan (that is when I knew I had went tooo far). I know good and well that I can’t have him (1. he is a superstar, 2. idk if he would go for me 3. it just wouldn’t happen) and I dislike this fact but as a fangirl I know I can’t have him but I indulged in the thought. I didn’t want anyone else but Luhan. I started thinking to myself (like a reality check) of other reasons that it wouldn’t work out. I knew one thing and that was the fact that I was going to seminary so I had to end this relationship now. Then it hit me. I am going to be a preacher. K-pop star and preacher (i know that there are christian k-pop stars and all but let’s be real…No.). Would Luhan be the right man (a god sent man)?  And most importantly would he like me?

Regardless of my infatuation with EXO’s Luhan God is suppose to be in all aspects of life. I struggle with this fact and living it out. But God is everywhere and we must be honest with him with everything. Even though God knows everything but it is the action of you telling him that is valued.  We should never act like we are living a double life or that we are with holding things from God.  We box God and we fear him so much that we don’t even try to have a relationship with him. God does not want to be feared in the way we define fear. The type of fear the bible talks about is awe. Awe is a beautiful word that has a connotation of being subjected to something so majestic and powerful that we couldn’t do anything but stare. Awe does not mean we must hide and have our heart racing in panic. It is sad that many people live in houses that are full of fear which can be the root of hatred and bitterness. This root is the thing we must eliminate in today’s society and change it into something beautiful. This root is the thing we use to power ourselves and have power over others. Must we act in fear? Must we be feared by others? No. Fear is what separates us from all of the good stuff including God.

In the end we must give ALL of our lives to christ and not just one aspect.