I would always get excited and anxious for something cool to happen. A huge life changing event. Something where I am actually recognized or I finally master what ever gift or talent I needed to master and then voila my life will change. The question is would I be ready. Am I too young to reach success? Will I be able to handle it? Do I have to have it all together before God can grant me the desires of my heart? I am always just dreaming and when I find out that a dream can possibly be a reality I start to panic and if it is a dream that is beyond my imagination then I really start to panic.
I would get very excited and tense at the same time. It is like I am ready for it all to happen for me now but am I really ready.
If I am able to do the unbelievable shall I shrink back in fear because I am afraid to fall on my face or should I try something different and see what happens?
As a Christian who is trying to get this whole discipleship thing right I would always be so harsh to myself and maybe even box myself in a little. I do not give myself freedom and space or try and get to know myself and be like “hey I’m sorry if I hurt you and I need to treat you better do YOU have any suggestions”. I would see the bad and criticize myself on how much I’m reading the bible, how many mistakes I made. Believe me if I had a whip I probably would be like the man in the Da Vinci code giving myself so many lashes because I am always doing the wrong thing or being un christ like. I would always forget something very important. God is the only thing that can validate me. God is the reason why I am weird, he is the reason why I am this way he just wants me to be myself and learn how to be better. God does not want me to put myself down to the point of plotting suicide and being okay with torture in hell. Why would God want that?
God loves me and he sees past everything and looks into my heart and so deep all the way to my soul and says look at this beautiful soul right here. I can not wait for this soul to just be let loose and set free. I love this soul so much that I gave my only son for it. This soul right here is capable of a lot of good things.
Instead I look at myself. I look at MYSELF. I do not even look at my soul because I am soo busy being a confused 20 year old. I am trying to find her. I am such a chameleon that I forget who I am.
God does everyone like that. He knows you are human and he looks deeply with in you and be like this soul right here is beautiful.
Know God, let God set you free and let yourself be receptive to lead a life that is more than what this natural world can give. Live a supernatural life. A life that surpasses boundaries and that goes beyond the normal eyes.
Many times I have been shown favor but what does this mean. It is an indicator that I must be doing something right. My question is what did I do right?
Before I begin I would like for everyone to know just because God sends one message does not mean it has one meaning. In this case of being shown favor I feel as if there were two meanings and there maybe more.
I received an indication of favor 3 times which is the number of confirmation. Each time I have received favor it was when I decided to take a break from being mindless and on the internet. Not only was I escaping mindlessness but I had writing in mind. I tried to escape the anxiety of finding something to write about as well as gaining inspiration. On the third time I was actually trying to work on a script. I feel like when I attempted to work on the script that an overwhelming sense of peace came and I did not write but I received ideas. In other words I think God was happy that I decided to get out of the house and tried to write a script for a change.
Before I had reached that conclusion I had a different thought in my mind. The first thought that I had when I thought about the favor bestowed upon me I thought that God was delighted in my choice to stay at the school that I am in now. By staying in school I have to rely on God because I know nothing and he would really have to guide my path unlike dropping out where I would have to know what is next.
The last thought that came into my mind is that God could have possibly shown me favor just to let me know that he loves me very much. I hope that God shows everyone favor no matter what they are going through.
When I was at a regular University we had this center called the spirituality center. It had free coffee (seems like good parts of my life revolves around coffee) and a prayer room. I would always get up early to get my coffee and prepare myself for prayer and meditation. It was always quiet there, Hardly anyone would go so I was definitely in the right place to get intimate and close to God.
I would start off with a reading from the bible, then I meditated on what I read and afterwards I would pray. It was a very peaceful start to my day. I prayed throughout the day and relied on God.
It was a difficult time in life for me, I ran out of food, it was getting close to finals and I was going crazy trying to figure out what I really wanted to do besides International Business.
During this period of time where I did consistently read my bible, stayed in prayer and meditated I felt peace each and everyday. Like I did not really care about all the stuff that was going on around me.
Another time I was heavily into my bible and prayer was the only time (so far) that I felt like was my prime. I stood up late nights reading the bible and tried to be deep into prayer.
As I look back on it all it is mostly about conducting yourself as a christian and doing the right thing. Using the teachings as a guide for the way of thinking.
It all seems hard to do. Spending more time with God trying to adopt a certain mindset that is contrary to our own. It requires us to think outside of the box. The box is our world. This thing of rules and regulations, driven by money and power. We have to think about the spiritual world and how to act by the spirit instead of the flesh.