Not Doing What I want

This year I decided that I was going to take me seriously. I began to blog and do my other projects but ever since I have been writing and focusing on projects I forgot an important component, love. What do I love to write about, what do I love to do. Me.

I had been researching about a Niche that I would like to write about and doing SEO research. I’ve dabbled in a lot of things which was fun but what about tending to what I love.

I searched for my solution by pausing and looking at the bigger picture. What can wait and what can change.

Since I want to make yet another change for my script I decided that writing a script can wait…or at least I can spend less time writing it. I want to finish it and I am going to finish it but right now it is time for me to focus on me.

Many things, stressors have been happening and I use being busy as an escape. My escape can only last for so long. So now I am going to take care or me.

The Anxiety Challenge:

Other Posts:


How To Write a Story: The Process of Writing and Tips!



Not letting your emotions control you

Don’t let your emotions control you.

It is easy to let your emotions control you especially when you are depressed. You have to look at the situation as something that’s temporary. You also have to remember what you are working towards, isn’t temporary. You can’t let a short-term feeling affect your long-term success.

It’s hard to not have it together when you feel upset. Personally, I procrastinate out of emotions. I get so anxious or depressed that I take breaks.  I look at others and compare myself to them. I pressure myself and cage up my potential. I want to quit.  A lot of negative events happening at one time and I feel like I can’t handle them. But, I thought to myself, I enjoy writing. I want to share this with you because I understand what it is like to let emotions get the best of you.  I want to let you know that you shouldn’t sabotage your future for momentary satisfaction. You got this! You are special and you deserve greatness. 🙂

Why you should keep your purpose separated from your Career choices

The most detrimental choice that I made was chasing after purpose.   I  did not know what to do after high school. The high school I went to put a lot of pressure on going to college and making a career choice while I was a sophomore. I did not know what to do.  I started trying to look for my purpose as if I was gonna get all of the answers to questions like what I was good at and how I was going to be successful. All of the stress piled up and led to suicidal attempts, spending three days in the psych ward and then missing school.  The more I searched for my purpose, the less I felt fulfilled. I made my own purpose sometimes and tried to take control. I didn’t enjoy life at all and it was hard for me to build a foundation.  As I grew up my likes changed and what I thought I wanted I didn’t want anymore. It took me seeking God instead of my purpose to know that it isn’t for me to know right now. I have the choice of being happy if I didn’t hold myself to such high standards and accept who I was created to be. Instead of trying to be God let God do his job.

A career isn’t the sole reason why we live. It is beyond that. In our society, it feels like that is all we live for.


Comment down below if you have any advice or if you want to share your experience.

Please Share and Subscribe



Lamenting in Black Tears (A dream that I had)

It is morning and everyone is parting ways. My sister goes to school. My mother goes to work. I stay in my room and watch everyone else from my tower. I drew back the curtains only letting in a little bit of the light in  and a little girl, one of my sister’s friends saw me. She smiled at me. Her parents, who were right next to her, came and rang the doorbell. I wish they leave but they greeted me with a smile through the glass door. I went downstairs and answered the door.  The girl was very happy to see me. She wore a pink ballerina outfit and a tiara because it was her birthday. As I opened the door she handed me the card which I assumed to give to my sister. Her smile was infectious and pierced into the deep dark depths of my soul that has been tortured for years.  I took the card and shut the door not wanting anyone to see me.


The next morning was the morning of the girl’s party.  I decided to do something special for the occasion. I drew back the curtains letting light come in. I wore my black cape with feathers on it. Inside the cape was blue and green stripes. I felt vulnerable and pained. Everything was coming to light.


That evening I heard a noise outside of a little girl crying. It was the girl with the smile wearing that pink outfit. She had something brown on her foot. She was laying down crying out for help for a couple of minutes until I couldn’t take it anymore so I rushed her off to the hospital.


It began to rain, as it rained outside tears began streaming down the little girl’s face in sadness.  The little girl looked deeply into the tv screen. As she looked into the screen I looked at her and began to have an aching heart, lamenting her pain. 



imgres      I choose this picture because I love swimming. I feel free and connected to the water. I believe that this picture shows how those who live letting their spirit free live. They are daring individuals who are actually living and thriving each day of their lives.


I feel like I have been going through a rehabilitation period. I’ve been re learning about how to go to college and how to get unplugged(listening to music and surfing the web) and back to my spiritual life.  When I was first going to write this post I felt like I may have not been ready to go to bible college or that I was not called to be a pastor. Now I am looking at some different aspects of my life of why I am confused and in disordered.


Before I went to bible college I was told that I was in disorder. I know that I was. I felt it. I felt like I had to plug into something in order to survive. I would always hear things like i’m lazy and never doing anything important (when I was actually doing something that was close to my heart). I had to plug in because I always heard if you only take your medication, you messed around at siue and you did this and you did that.  Then when someone would want me to feel encouraged that same person (who talked about me) would tell me that I am beautiful and smart. How am I suppose to feel. I didn’t just plug in because of that but I plugged in because I was ready to kill myself. I know I am not suppose to hear everything and let things roll off but that just is not me. I have not developed thick skin. Most of my life I have been told negative stuff about myself whether or not it was weight or something else. So I felt like I needed to get out of there. Everyday (on top of the stuff I went through) I disliked life. I disliked waking up in my room. I needed to get out or I was gonna be crazy. Then I felt crazier because here I am wanting to go to bible college and ready to kill myself if I didn’t go.


Many people said don’t go. I was struggling to find a bus ticket and things at home felt like it was getting worse even through on the outside it seemed alright.  My bestfriend even told me that I didn’t have the patience, discernment and i’m earthly minded so I shouldn’t do it. I felt so upset. I actually wanted to go to bible college so badly and then I was told this. I felt very depressed afterwards. I started accepting not going to bible college. I decided that I was going to try and stick it out one more year.


It was down to crunch time, my classes at the bible college was going to begin the next day. I was trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind while I felt like I was stepping down. I thought that I can possibly do everything next semester. I can stick it out a couple or more months but in my heart I felt deeply sadden. I felt broken. I felt very angry with God and myself. I almost wanted to not do anthropology if it was God wanted me to do it and it gave me joy. I constantly felt like I wanted to cross over this imaginary edge where I just lose everything and not care (Today I had a dream where I had the ability to destroy everything with some sort of fire power. I was with a team. I then went to prison, my husband visited me and was going to take a picture to send to our daughter, he was remarried. I was about to commit suicide and I saw the imaginary edge I was going to jump off the edge then I got scared). Basically I was losing my temper but I was also losing my mind and my sanity.


So now, here I am in bible college sitting in my sit during chapel listening to a man preach about the truth. He told us that it may be painful, it is a journey and some are not ready. I thought about my own life and how I may not be ready for the truth. Maybe the truth was I wasn’t suppose to be here and I was suppose to be an anthropologist. I didn’t get as depressed but I just thought about it. I felt like I needed to relearn how to pray and how to hear God. I wanted to know where I am as far as if I am in the right direction.


Today, I feel amazingly well. Not everything is fine and dandy but I feel better than I have in a long time.  Today many peers have given me some information about myself.  I found that I have the gift of knowledge. I love to learn, I am always curious and I love to analyze things. In each class not only do I think about how people would see that I am smart but I would also continue to think what is my ministry. I wrote many things down about ministry and a church a long time ago and I am still writing things down about the church. Lately I’ve been thinking about a tea shop too. I also want to do actually want to do anthropology but I still want to go to bible college.


Right now all I know is that people around me have said things such as don’t limit yourself and share your knowledge.  I feel very good about this and feel like I can do this. I feel like I need to just follow my heart. I wasn’t able to get this message at the state I was in while in belleville.  I still don’t have a definite idea of what I need to do but I feel great.

In the sermon I was talking about earlier the speaker was saying wait 6 months and be patient with the truth. So for right now that is exactly what I have to do. I should continue searching, trying to get me spiritually together and as a whole try and find myself.