The Cold, The Nonchalant

Lately I have been acting very cold and distant towards many people except for my friend who I have been friends with since fall semester.  One of the reasons why I have been acting this way because I know that some of the people on this campus are doing and they are doing wrong by me. I had warned the new girl who had came to the campus about what the people here do but she started to hang around these people and became very close. That is when I had to cut her off which I should have done earlier but I decided that she might be okay.

I felt bad because I have not been talking to her much and I am cutting her off. She is being used and does not even know it. She took my warning in vain. She did not even take what I said to her to heart so should I remain friends with someone who does not even actually consider what I had to say?  To a certain extent I understand why I should just turn the other cheek but considering the circumstances I had to do what I needed to do.

As far as the ring leader/ the troublemaker I was trying to go to class until I saw her. I automatically shut the door and locked it but I had to unlock it because she was outside. I did it all in one move. She makes me so upset yet I can’t do nothing about it but pray.

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Introduction into Christian Education

Tonight I had the real and actual introduction into Christian Education or what I would like to say is discipleship.

I was introduced to humility. I had to suck up all the pride I had left to enter into class tonight. I had failed the class last semester so I must take it again in order to get somewhere.

I was introduced to patience. The instructor was not there while the students were. I mostly sat in silence waiting for something or someone to give us some information regarding the status of the class. Instead of just walking out and leaving I sat and waited.

While I sat in my seat I was introduced to peace. There is something about just enjoying the present situation. When I am not stressing over anything or thinking of anything petty then I am able to enjoy life. I am overwhelmed by peace. I do not have a to-do list. Just relaxing and having silence is wonderful.

On that note, I feel like the class was a good one. Instilling values like devotion and dedication which is needed in order to be a disciple.

LGBT revisited……

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I remember one time doing research on the flag and it seems like a pretty awesome flag. It has meanings behind each color and just seems like a great life and good people to be around.  It did not matter who you are if you were an outsider you were welcomed into this group whereas Christians put up a wall most of the time or either I haven’t went to the right church yet.

Let me start out by saying I will still support the LGBT group as a straight woman because we need to be more ethical but I do not support same sex marriage or the arresting of any religious leaders if they do not comply with government laws….separation of church and state.

I was once a bisexual female. Did I pray the “gay away” no, no such thing has happened. I have always felt conflicted internally by my sexuality. I really liked women and men but to be blunt no one was going to waste their time on me because the good looking men were either taken or gay and the women had the same thing going on.  Most Lesbians do not like bisexual women. I was already considered the scum of the earth by societal standards because I was black, curvy, smart and being bisexual was just the icing on the cakes.

The most conflicting thing for me internally was marriage. I never wanted to get married for real and marriage I could have honestly cared less for. I was going into Bible College with the intentions of becoming a pastor (owning a church but I believe that this idea is changing) and with becoming a pastor I was going to have to deal with the marriage issue. Do I marry same sex couples? I didn’t want to marry anyone at all because I disliked weddings but I couldn’t do that.

It felt so hard being christian and loving God but yet being a part of a society that would say that christians were bigoted. The reality of it all is that yes, being gay, bisexual, trans and other non straight preferences is a sin but one sin does not trump the other. Each sin should be treated as a sin. Sin is an illusion that turns into an identity crisis and keeps us lost. We never treat people as lost and looking for purpose and meaningful lives because we as christians are also lost within this facade.

Really? who thinks about living for Christ and being a disciple? We are so busy bashing on others that we are blind to our own faults. Some are even in an identity crisis. Some don’t even know who God is. Some don’t even take this walk seriously. It was not until I wanted to kill myself and look for purpose where I learned about how dormant humanity is. When we are in a relationship with Christ and seek his validation that is when we will do the right thing. It does not require us to force others into doing so.

When we truly want something for ourselves and love God things will change. As humans we have to understand free will. We can only do so but when judgement comes we can not vindicate for anyone not even ourselves.

Two lives Pick One

If you see the picture twice I am very sorry. Anyway I choose this picture today because I LOVE Qdoba nachos….like seriously I am craving some right now. Each time I think of Qdoba nachos I think of the taste, the texture and the smell. I try and imagine myself eating them but I want the real thing.

Surrendering. That is the word for the day. I find this word coming in different forms such as surrendering myself such as sacrificing some things from my regular life such as certain types of music or certain types of exercises (yoga in particular). I also find myself surrendering certain thoughts or beliefs as I go on this journey to figure out who I really am.

This morning in Chapel I was crying for no reason at all but I was crying. In the inside I felt really weird or like I needed to go up and hug the speaker. So long story short I went up, hug the speaker, then the oddest thing happen. She told me that I am at the right place. Now many people have told me that I was at the right place but I still questioned but this lady who I didn’t even know had told me that I’m suppose to be here.

What does being at the right place have to do with surrendering? Well today I thought about it. In order for me to grow with God I have to choose between two paths. One path is the one I want to create which is basically leave my bible college and find so way to travel and stay out of the United States. The other path is to sacrifice my dreams and go down a path that is very unknown.

The path of the Unknown:
So far God has really taken care of me. This week seems like the week that I got a glimpse of what daily manna really is. I don’t have to worry about food or clothing. I have all of that provided for me. It seemed like right after I spent my last dollar I had that is when I really started to feel it. I kept eating ramen because it was the cheapest thing I can get and now I am not eating ramen. I probably have been eating healthier than ever. I fill full each time I eat now. I don’t have that constant hunger like before. With clothing I only brought a couple of outfits with me but a lady who has the same class I do has invited me to go get some clothes and pizza. I know it isn’t much but I feel happy. The blessing is not the food or the clothes that I will get but it is the fact that I don’t have to worry about stuff like that.

The path of the Known:
This path was a path woven by jealousy and pride basically. You can also add a little bit of anxiety. Going back to regular college for me is comfort. I wanted to go because I heard of people who had sons and daughters in ivy league schools and I just feel a little embrassed when I tell people I am in bible college studying to become a pastor but i’m not sure what I am called to do. I also have considered going back to SIUE because of my friends (yeah I would’ve got kicked out some how for something). I started missing the library there and the gym and all this stuff. I wouldn’t have to worry about food (unless I ran out of food credits which I did towards the end but that was towards the end). I did have to pay for laundry but regardless I would’ve been comfortable (plus there is starbucks and I could’ve found a way to go to Jack in the Box or Qdoba).

Even though going to a bible college doesn’t really have perks such as a music section of the library or a gym it is something about how it feels. Going here doesn’t feel like college it feels like a family place (it’s very small too) but it is really nice. I like being able to have my porch to sit outside on, being able to walk down the street for ice-cream or just the community. That is the word. Community. Here is more like a community than a school. Everyone is nice and willing to help or you are willing to help others. It does get to be a little much but that is worth it.

Spiritual Life:
When we give our lives to Christ we are on a journey to discipleship. We learn about what it is to be a christian and how to love christ. Our lives should be those of excellence in each day which is our form of worship. We take time to praise the lord with what we do or just simply thanking him for what he has provided. It isn’t just singing and dancing but it is living life to the fullest, going slow, being mindful. Letting joy just sink into our spirit. We can get joy out of eating ice cream (well duh) or watching the sunset. Thinking about how God made everything perfect yet, natural (think about that for a minute). The spiritual life is like the hakuna matata for christians (or my favorite word daily manna). We don’t have to worry. For the fact that we don’t have to worry that means we should just enjoy ourselves by living out our purpose, having a deeper connection to God (which enhances ourselves and the relationships we have with others).

Basically we are to love, love God, love others and love ourselves

Re-living

imgres      I choose this picture because I love swimming. I feel free and connected to the water. I believe that this picture shows how those who live letting their spirit free live. They are daring individuals who are actually living and thriving each day of their lives.

 

I feel like I have been going through a rehabilitation period. I’ve been re learning about how to go to college and how to get unplugged(listening to music and surfing the web) and back to my spiritual life.  When I was first going to write this post I felt like I may have not been ready to go to bible college or that I was not called to be a pastor. Now I am looking at some different aspects of my life of why I am confused and in disordered.

 

Before I went to bible college I was told that I was in disorder. I know that I was. I felt it. I felt like I had to plug into something in order to survive. I would always hear things like i’m lazy and never doing anything important (when I was actually doing something that was close to my heart). I had to plug in because I always heard if you only take your medication, you messed around at siue and you did this and you did that.  Then when someone would want me to feel encouraged that same person (who talked about me) would tell me that I am beautiful and smart. How am I suppose to feel. I didn’t just plug in because of that but I plugged in because I was ready to kill myself. I know I am not suppose to hear everything and let things roll off but that just is not me. I have not developed thick skin. Most of my life I have been told negative stuff about myself whether or not it was weight or something else. So I felt like I needed to get out of there. Everyday (on top of the stuff I went through) I disliked life. I disliked waking up in my room. I needed to get out or I was gonna be crazy. Then I felt crazier because here I am wanting to go to bible college and ready to kill myself if I didn’t go.

 

Many people said don’t go. I was struggling to find a bus ticket and things at home felt like it was getting worse even through on the outside it seemed alright.  My bestfriend even told me that I didn’t have the patience, discernment and i’m earthly minded so I shouldn’t do it. I felt so upset. I actually wanted to go to bible college so badly and then I was told this. I felt very depressed afterwards. I started accepting not going to bible college. I decided that I was going to try and stick it out one more year.

 

It was down to crunch time, my classes at the bible college was going to begin the next day. I was trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind while I felt like I was stepping down. I thought that I can possibly do everything next semester. I can stick it out a couple or more months but in my heart I felt deeply sadden. I felt broken. I felt very angry with God and myself. I almost wanted to not do anthropology if it was God wanted me to do it and it gave me joy. I constantly felt like I wanted to cross over this imaginary edge where I just lose everything and not care (Today I had a dream where I had the ability to destroy everything with some sort of fire power. I was with a team. I then went to prison, my husband visited me and was going to take a picture to send to our daughter, he was remarried. I was about to commit suicide and I saw the imaginary edge I was going to jump off the edge then I got scared). Basically I was losing my temper but I was also losing my mind and my sanity.

 

So now, here I am in bible college sitting in my sit during chapel listening to a man preach about the truth. He told us that it may be painful, it is a journey and some are not ready. I thought about my own life and how I may not be ready for the truth. Maybe the truth was I wasn’t suppose to be here and I was suppose to be an anthropologist. I didn’t get as depressed but I just thought about it. I felt like I needed to relearn how to pray and how to hear God. I wanted to know where I am as far as if I am in the right direction.

 

Today, I feel amazingly well. Not everything is fine and dandy but I feel better than I have in a long time.  Today many peers have given me some information about myself.  I found that I have the gift of knowledge. I love to learn, I am always curious and I love to analyze things. In each class not only do I think about how people would see that I am smart but I would also continue to think what is my ministry. I wrote many things down about ministry and a church a long time ago and I am still writing things down about the church. Lately I’ve been thinking about a tea shop too. I also want to do actually want to do anthropology but I still want to go to bible college.

 

Right now all I know is that people around me have said things such as don’t limit yourself and share your knowledge.  I feel very good about this and feel like I can do this. I feel like I need to just follow my heart. I wasn’t able to get this message at the state I was in while in belleville.  I still don’t have a definite idea of what I need to do but I feel great.


In the sermon I was talking about earlier the speaker was saying wait 6 months and be patient with the truth. So for right now that is exactly what I have to do. I should continue searching, trying to get me spiritually together and as a whole try and find myself.

 

Something that was on My mind

One of the biggest issues with my college career is finding out what I wanted to do or thought that I wanted to do for a good portion of my life. This want had to also fit within the wants of others and societal boundary lines such as job markets. To tell the truth I didn’t really care about such things. I wanted to become a photographer or filmmaker. I wanted to go to an art institute. The place of my dreams was Savannah College of Art and Design. It was 40,000 dollars and in Georgia. Mom said no. I thought it was also cool that they had different locations in different countries. Again no. I had a plan all made up to start my own photography business. This was all in sophomore year. I had plans written out. I wanted to own my own photography business and travel the world. But nooo. So what is next. Senior year. I was busy dealing with the fact that I was bipolar and suicidal. I didn’t have any plans for the future. When I got to a point where I was mostly just getting through each day then I was to “think seriously about college”. I got asked all the wonderful questions like where are you going and etc. I had the same answer: I don’t know. At SIUe I was trying to “find myself” in the business world. It seemed like a good compromise since I’ve taken courses in business. Then I decided that the choice I had made was not going to sustain me. I didn’t know that it was something I wanted to do or not. I did research on it and I was kind of interested in it. I didn’t want that type of lifestyle. Before I could even dapple into Anthropology I was put out.

 

Then I went to community college for Marketing. I only did this because I wanted to go into the peace corps. One day I started trying to figure some stuff out to start filling out my application and then found out that I was basically wasting my time. Whatever I was going to do next had to be something meaningful. I couldn’t be stuck mentally in survival mode.

 

I feel as if going to bible college is the thing that separates me from surviving to actually living the life of my dreams. Helping people, traveling and being able to learn more about christianity. I also believe as a pastor I will also be learning many things about the world around us and not just christianity such as about different cultures.  Now that I have made the decision to go away to bible college many people are telling me to get myself together. I can not continue to live a life that does not feel meaningful to me. I know that I will continue to get told about having a career and such. Yes I want to stop bouncing around from place to place and yes I want to go to bible college. I wish people would understand that. Any money I had left was going towards me going down to Atlanta. I need to go. Yes I can be doing other things. Yes I could find out some way to go aboard and back pack but there is a reason I am not backpacking. Yes I could go to a different university and study either foreign language or anthropology but there is a reason I am not studying those subjects. Do I have any other plans or may I return to college? For the most part No. I am not going to spend more money. This is it. I feel as if the freedom can help me go above and beyond. The freedom will release my fears and help me be creative to make a path for myself. A woman I had met recently told me that I had all the tools I needed to succeed. Is college important? Yes. Do credentials matter? Yes. But God made this wonderful thing called the mind and we can do so many things with it. We can make a way out of no way. We can make something out of trash. Fear is the only thing stopping us.