Necessity Over Desire

Vivacious (1)I am bad with consistency especially when it comes to my walk with God. It is to be expected. I am human but it is hard to accept the mistakes I make or the feelings that influence my decisions. I was essentially forcing myself to keep up with some standards I made up in my mind.

I changed all of that. I was going to be serious about my relationship with God. God isn’t just a desire. God is a necessity; knowing more about him is important. The need to read His oxygen to survive. The need to spend time with The Lord is actual food for the soul. A relationship with God is a need.


I want to know what you think…


Am I ready?

I would always get excited and anxious for something cool to happen. A huge life changing event. Something where I am actually recognized or I finally master what ever gift or talent I needed to master and then voila my life will change. The question is would I be ready. Am I too young to reach success? Will I be able to handle it? Do I have to have it all together before God can grant me the desires of my heart? I am always just dreaming and when I find out that a dream can possibly be a reality I start to panic and if it is a dream that is beyond my imagination then I really start to panic.

I would get very excited and tense at the same time.  It is like I am ready for it all to happen for me now but am I really ready.

If I am able to do the unbelievable shall I shrink back in fear because I am afraid to fall on my face or should I try something different and see what happens?

Feeling Stale

Before mid ending 2014  I was an emotional wreck like I was mad, sad and in rage. Now I went from depressed or in rage to just numb. I went from not okay to feeling bored and just like I don’t want to do anything. I feel numbed out for a really emotional human being.

I want to feel immense satisfaction , joy and yes at times I do feel at peace but I want it to be long lasting. I want to feel something other than numb. It feels weird.

Feeling and emotion is like the transferring of dimensions or inspires the transferring of an idea from one dimension to another. Let me use an example: a dream. A dream can be a spiritual thought transferred from the man upstairs to you and how you feel about the dream or feel like it is trying to tell you can help you interpret the dream or use the dream for other things. For me a dream is the normal source of inspiration for a story or a script.

Feeling can be part of intuition or discernment. But emotion is evoked. Emotion springs from a situation.

I am very clouded that I can not tell the difference as far as my feelings and emotions.  I know that emotions is what brings everything from mediocre to a totally different dimension. I really want to use my writing as an outlet for my emotions but I need to dig deep in order for that to happen.

I feel like this numb state that I am in also effects my imagination. It is hard for me to have ideas of my own because of my being numb and non receptiveness.

Numb for me is not feeling nothing or being closed off, kinda like being blind or ignorant. It does not feel like bliss it just feels like a blank space and I am the blank space.

It feels like I lost my edge and my heart to do good for God and I am oblivious to my soul.  The soul is where feelings come from that can turn into emotions if we let our flesh enter into a pure thought.

The numbness I am talking about is not the  ”I do not care” connotation of being numb. My numbness is the type of numb where I do not feel anything besides a void. My emotions are dried up  that I am in the constant state of I don’t know.  Now sometimes numbness can lead people into doing the same stuff as the “I do not care” people would do but for different intentions.

I have to have hope and dig dip for numbness is the clouding of my emotions and feelings. Only through God can I understand my soul and operate with in it and translate my soul into the things I do.

God Sees the Heart…..and The Soul

As a Christian who is trying to get this whole discipleship thing right I would always be so harsh to myself and maybe even box myself in a little. I do not give myself freedom and space or try and get to know myself and be like “hey I’m sorry if I hurt you and I need to treat you better do YOU have any suggestions”.  I would see the bad and criticize myself on how much I’m reading the bible, how many mistakes I made. Believe me if I had a whip I probably would be like the man in the Da Vinci code giving myself so many lashes because I am always doing the wrong thing or being un christ like.  I would always forget something very important. God is the only thing that can validate me. God is the reason why I am weird, he is the reason why I am this way he just wants me to be myself and learn how to be better. God does not want me to put myself down to the point of plotting suicide and being okay with torture in hell.  Why would God want that?

God loves me and he sees past everything and looks into my heart and so deep all the way to my soul and says look at this beautiful soul right here. I can not wait for this soul to just be let loose and set free. I love this soul so much that I gave my only son for it. This soul right here is capable of a lot of good things.

Instead I look at myself. I look at MYSELF.  I do not even look at my soul because I am soo busy being a confused 20 year old. I am trying to find her. I am such a chameleon that I forget who I am.

God does everyone like that. He knows you are human and he looks deeply with in you and be like this soul right here is beautiful.

Know God, let God set you free and let yourself be receptive to lead a life that is more than what this natural world can give. Live a supernatural life. A life that surpasses boundaries and that goes beyond the normal eyes.

Favor…for what?

Many times I have been shown favor but what does this mean. It is an indicator that I must be doing something right. My question is what did I do right?

Before I begin I would like for everyone to know just because God sends one message does not mean it has one meaning. In this case of being shown favor I feel as if there were two meanings and there maybe more.

I received an indication of favor 3 times which is the number of confirmation. Each time I have received favor it was when I decided to take a break from being mindless and on the internet. Not only was I escaping mindlessness but I had writing in mind. I tried to escape the anxiety of finding something to write about as well as gaining inspiration. On the third time I was actually trying to work on a script. I feel like when I attempted to work on the script that an overwhelming sense of peace came and I did not write but I received ideas. In other words I think God was happy that I decided to get out of the house and tried to write a script for a change.

Before I had reached that conclusion I had a different thought in my mind. The first thought that I had when I thought about the favor bestowed upon me I thought that God was delighted in my choice to stay at the school that I am in now. By staying in school I have to rely on God because I know nothing and he would really have to guide my path unlike dropping out where I would have to know what is next.

The last thought that came into my mind is that God could have possibly shown me favor just to let me know that he loves me very much. I hope that God shows everyone favor no matter what they are going through.