Choices……..

First of all let me start of by saying that my friend has dropped knowledge on me about my spending habits and that God would not give people money who has bad spending habits.  So keep that in mind.

Anyway. I have been working on script writing until the whole rape situation lead me on a hiatus. I have not been sleeping, I’ve been reading the Tiger’s curse series and it has been very hectic.

I am very happy that I have cranked out 25 pages, which is the most that I have ever written so that is the awesomest part ever. I want to go to school for script writing but yet I still want to stay in a bible college BUT  I kinda actually want to go to art school.

Basically I feel like I have three options (there is actually more but the more does not seem very favorable)

Option 1: Going to Scad. I have been wanting to go to scad since my 2nd year in high school.  The thing about going to scad is the fact that it is expensive. I want to go to the one in downtown Atlanta but probably the biggest problem (besides being pricey) is the fact that I will not be in a bible college so it will not be like God is the focus there and then I can be trapped in some stuff that I honestly don’t need to be trapped in.

Option2: Kansas City

There is a Bible college in Kansas City but it is away from Downtown like in the Suburbs or something (like SIUe) and no buses or trains going there. I would buy a car and finally get my license but I kinda do not like being in the middle of nowhere. I can transfer my credits and it will take less time to graduate. Regardless of where I go now it will be about three years but if I went to Kansas City it would be less time. Plus it is Kansas City and if I drive (which to be for real I hardly ever drive so I would be getting in some practice) than I can visit my favorite places.

Option 3: There is one but it is a lot of things.

Basically I will not be going to school at all. Maybe for a short period of time (with a max around 1 to 2 years) or just drop out of college. For the things my heart is closes to I really don’t have to go to college and I really do not think I am ever going to finish (basically I think one day I am just going to drop out for real but that is once I get the courage to do so).

Right now I am just thinking. I am not going to do anything until next month. In the next month I will fill out my first application and then in april I will do my application for scad. I will be going back home in some weeks fro spring break so I am very excited about that.

Advertisements

Reading The Bible

When I was at a regular University we had this center called the spirituality center.   It had free coffee (seems like good parts of my life revolves around coffee) and a prayer room. I would always get up early to get my coffee and prepare myself for prayer and meditation. It was always quiet there, Hardly anyone would go so I was definitely in the right place to get intimate and close to God.

I would start off with a reading from the bible, then I meditated on what I read and afterwards I would pray. It was a very peaceful start to my day. I prayed throughout the day and relied on God.

It was a difficult time in life for me, I ran out of food, it was getting close to finals and I was going crazy trying to figure out what I really wanted to do besides International Business.

During this period of time where I did consistently read my bible, stayed in prayer and meditated I felt peace each and everyday. Like I did not really care about all the stuff that was going on around me.

Another time I was heavily into my bible and prayer was the only time (so far) that I felt like was my prime. I stood up late nights reading the bible and tried to be deep into prayer.

As I look back on it all it is mostly about conducting yourself as a christian and doing the right thing. Using the teachings as a guide for the way of thinking.

It all seems hard to do. Spending more time with God trying to adopt a certain mindset that is contrary to our own. It requires us to think outside of the box. The box is our world. This thing of rules and regulations, driven by money and power.  We have to think about the spiritual world and how to act by the spirit instead of the flesh.

Introduction into Christian Education

Tonight I had the real and actual introduction into Christian Education or what I would like to say is discipleship.

I was introduced to humility. I had to suck up all the pride I had left to enter into class tonight. I had failed the class last semester so I must take it again in order to get somewhere.

I was introduced to patience. The instructor was not there while the students were. I mostly sat in silence waiting for something or someone to give us some information regarding the status of the class. Instead of just walking out and leaving I sat and waited.

While I sat in my seat I was introduced to peace. There is something about just enjoying the present situation. When I am not stressing over anything or thinking of anything petty then I am able to enjoy life. I am overwhelmed by peace. I do not have a to-do list. Just relaxing and having silence is wonderful.

On that note, I feel like the class was a good one. Instilling values like devotion and dedication which is needed in order to be a disciple.

Degrees

One thing that bothers me is my journey towards getting a college degree. It seems like no college is right for me or I have no idea what to do.

I thought I wanted to go into ministry so I went to school and found out one thing and that was that not all schools are the best schools for ministry. Not only is that issue prevalent but then you have the issue of what type of ministry.

One thing is for sure and that is people put ministry and christianity into a box where it starts to become stereotypical. You can easily spot out the christians, know their motives and what not.  Same for those who are in ministry. It is like people already want to put you on the pulpit when you may not necessarily be put on to the pulpit.

First of all before I go any further with any of this let me just say this, christianity is not just about the church. It is a lifestyle. You talk to God and let him lead you through out life. We have gotten so wrapped up into this church life and it is not even necessary.  There will not be a church anymore and there will not be regular pastors and preachers anymore. Christianity was about learning a how to think differently and act by the spirit and not by the flesh. There is much more to it but we just dilute it in something totally different that is now perverted into statuses, getting more people into church, money, power and even politics. Yes there are church politics. There will not be a need for denominations anymore. It will be all about sharing your beliefs and acting in the fashion that is christ like.

So back to what I was saying as far as ministry is concerned there is more to it that is outside of the box. We are all messengers but we tend to send messages differently and that are unique. We tend to forget that God is a god over all mediums so God can use whatever he wants to in order to get a point across.

The topic at hand is college degrees. Now the whole thing with college degrees is that I do not know what my calling really is to yet. I struggle with it and I hope whenever I have a definite answer to whatever that is I will take it, run with it and finish the race victoriously.  But do I really need a college degree to get started? I need a foundation and need to know where I am going so having some sort of background in order to get my feet on solid ground is a must therefore taking classes or  spending hours on research and reading the bible is time spent well. Now getting the degree I do not know about. It all depends on the person. But degree or not if we are going to go about ministry we will need knowledge and understanding of the bible that goes deeper than mediocre teachings. We would also have to back ourselves up with facts and verses with the understanding of the chapter (something I feel like I struggle with but I will get to that point eventually).

Ministry or not everyone must have their feet on solid ground or a good foundation and if you don’t then you must get out of the box of fear to find it.

For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.12 Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw— 13 each one’s work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.

Corinthians 3:11-13

So What am I doing Again….

First of all let me start out by saying that i’ve gotten out of the habit of reading my bible and I need to get back in because God has been granting me some awesome moments in time such as just enjoying coffee and getting extras on food. I am very happy that I have been showed favor for this time even though I have been feeling like there is not a light at the end of the tunnel.  I want everyone to feel his favor and especially those who are going through the same things that I go through because it is nice to know that someone else is going through or has gone through the same thing.

Today was one of those days of favor but right now I am not talking about favor. I am talking about gifts and talents. Again I am speaking of writing. Writing is something that is very hard for me to do yet I have been told many times that I was good at it. This does not make my writing the main thing I am good at but it is a big portion of my life right now. It seems like writing helps me because I have to actually sit down and pour out all of my feelings.  I feel like I do not write enough.

Usually when I write I gain some type of new found wisdom that I have had before. My writing is also inspired by my time with God (something I also need to do more). I feel like most of my time is gone to worrying about school and what I am suppose to do that I am numb to anything else. It is like I lack imagination when I write fiction or I can not get something out like I would like.  On top of the anxiety coming from school wanting to know what I am suppose to do in life there is that anxiety of breaking free from an idea that I need translated into the natural world.

I do believe that translation of an idea in a creative manner so then the fullness of the messages can be displayed is the ultimate form of transferring spirit to the other dimension. When we put our heart and soul into something that is transferring something from the spiritual world into the actual world.

This translation process is my main problem. I feel like I can not pull out everything that I have with in me properly and it gives me great anxiety and a restless spirit.  I really want it all to be pulled out of me because it weighs me down.

I do not actually have to have everything perfect and I do have time for everything to be up to the standards it needs to be.

Again…..
“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;do not fret—it leads only to evil.”

Psalm 37:8

Anxiety

I’m so anxious to write something amazing. I’m so anxious to get out of school. I’m so anxious to hit that spot in life where I can just take off running. I’m so anxious to finally live the life I had always dreamed. This anxiety overwhelms me to the point of doing something crazy. I run myself crazy and try to numb the pain by focusing all my energy into something meaningless. I try and escape from my anxiety but I can not. I lose myself and probably some of my brain cells trying to lose myself in a fantasy world in order to lie and wait for my life to begin.

I’m sick of everything. I lock myself in the room. I wait anxiously for inspiration to comes and when it does I lose energy.  I drown myself into something else. I distract myself.  I listen to the other voices of people giving me suggestions when it is like they don’t know the whole story. i want to pour my heart and soul into something. I always thought writing was that outlet.  I like but I dislike it.   Why couldn’t it have been drawing because I’ve always wanted to draw my own anime? It naturally became an interest to me and I focused on it long and hard. Why couldn’t it be business? I went to school for it yet I failed but many business women were impressed by me. Many failures and many business ideas yet no turn out.

I am burned out from school and not knowing who I am or what I should do. I try and avoid people because I am a chameleon and lose myself within the process yet you need them for the process that you must have to find out what to do.  I’m so sick of heartbreak, hurt, numbness and pain. I am sick of failure with school and poor choices.

I want to thrive, I want to thrive, I want to thrive so much that I am losing my mind.

I seek after God to know the truth. I seek God to learn about me. I feel so delusional.  When I feel God’s comfort I feel the most sane. When I am in silence I feel the most peace.  When I am in prayer I feel the best and when I am working with in the spirit my soul can be at rest. If only I surrender.

Purpose and Suicide

I struggled with finding my purpose and suicide so much. I went to Bible college and decided to just live for God and not worry about it again until the anxiety came back to haunt me.

During my winter break I was on the brink of failing my Christian Education class. I thought I was going to be able to pull out of it and be successful but the when it got down to 2 days I could not pull myself out of this pit.  I accepted the failure and decided to take the class again.

I wanted to be able to finish the class on a good note because I am so anxious to leave school. I dislike school and I want to be able to have a break. I feel like I need the break after going to three school from highschool graduation till now (2013-2015). Many people say that it is normal for people to switch around schools and even though I know the stats are out there still I want to take a break.

In order to take a break I would need to have money. Not only do I need to have money but also shelter. My mother is now homeless and I definitely do not want to live with other family members and be controlled.  It is easy to become codependent but I am trying to break from the lifestyle, plus I actually like being on my own. I have to be on my own. None of my family is going to be there when I die and I am getting judged by God. Who will be my witness and who else would be there? No one but God and I.

Somedays I feel like hell would not be bad and I am okay with having my soul tormented until God ceases for evil to exist.  I  can not go into suicide yet it seems like everything is dark. I do not even know what to do. I feel lost and hurt because I am restless and anxious. I want to learn how to relax but I feel like I can not until I know that everything is okay.

God wants me to know that I do not have to know everything and be anxious for anxiety will lead into evil but it seems so hard to surrender but it is not till those times when we get towards this time where we are the weakest and can not do anything we rely on him.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

Psalm 37:8