Necessity Over Desire

Vivacious (1)I am bad with consistency especially when it comes to my walk with God. It is to be expected. I am human but it is hard to accept the mistakes I make or the feelings that influence my decisions. I was essentially forcing myself to keep up with some standards I made up in my mind.

I changed all of that. I was going to be serious about my relationship with God. God isn’t just a desire. God is a necessity; knowing more about him is important. The need to read His oxygen to survive. The need to spend time with The Lord is actual food for the soul. A relationship with God is a need.


I want to know what you think…


Dealing With Bipolar Depression

This time of the year is a very tough time for those of us with seasonal depression. Some of us (on top of having seasonal depression) also have depression or even bipolar depression. I have bipolar depression and it is a struggle to deal with. I am very sensitive, emotional and I am still learning about my triggers. Even though I have bipolar depression  I do not see it as something negative.

For me having an emotional imbalance is motivation to incorporate healthy eating habits and exercise. Eating good foods and exercising makes me feel upbeat. Even on days where I am feeling blue, when I exercise I get lost in the moment. Eating a good meal afterward helps keep that upbeat feeling.

When I feel triggered, sad or any other feeling I see it as a reminder to journal. I use a journal to track my moods and it is a place where I can write down my thoughts in depth. With a journal, I can go back and see reoccurring battles (within my mind) that if I didn’t have a journal I wouldn’t have known about.

Bipolar Depression inspires me to pursue healing (spiritually and mentally) to do better in my life. I challenge myself every day to spend more time connecting to source. God is the way I have the strength to get through each day and bring in positive habits into life. 

To those of you who have bipolar depression or any type of emotional imbalance, re-define that imbalance and don’t let it define you. Strive each day to bring in positive things into your life and don’t let negativity take up the space that is needed.

No More Guilt or Shame

When I was little I use to wonder “how does God give freedom?” To me, it felt like Christian life was more restricted. There were the 7 commandments,  the church would add more stuff like listening to gospel music only, don’t do this and don’t go here.  Everything seemed restrictive to the point where my view of God was restricted. I eventually restricted myself to be a Christian. I struggled with sin and telling God about sin. I shamed myself when I skipped reading the bible or didn’t pray.  I became a perfectionist in every aspect of my life. I wasn’t being authentic with God. I threw away my authentic self in search of an identity.  I didn’t understand the freedom that God gave. It wasn’t until I realized that I was hurting and in need of healing. I researched resources to help me change my life. I needed freedom and peace that only God can provide.  

I was listening to a sermon on the book of 1st John, the pastor emphasized on how sin separates us from God. Instead of hiding from God because of sin, tell God about it. God forgives us and wants us to learn from our sin. The price was already paid that is why Jesus died on the cross.

   I always heard about Jesus dying for our sins but it never really made sense to me. After reading the book of 1st John, I know what sin is and that it overtakes our being. I also learned that God loved all of me. From this perspective, I learned that I was condemning myself. I made the law my God instead of God my God. As a result, I hid away from God and let perfectionism overtake me. I hurt myself until I shifted my focus.  My relationship with God grew deeper. I wanted to be a disciple out of my Love for Christ.  

God’s freedom: Be yourself




Recently I read an article, “How Can You Meditate on God’s Word?” by Andy Rau. In the article, a part of the meditation process was to empathize with God. When I began to think about the desires and feelings that God has towards humanity; I see the Bible in a new perspective. Not only do I see the Bible in a new perspective, but I approach all of my relationships differently.
Now that I am learning about Empathy, I am more mindful of my thoughts and actions towards others. My relationships are more meaningful and fruitful. I learn more about myself and grow because of empathy.
Empathy for me is like the practice of saying Namaste in the beginning of Yoga class; the being inside of me recognizes the being inside of the people around me. The idea of empathy brings more depth and dimension to the Golden Rule: Love one another as you love yourself.
I encourage everyone to be mindful of empathy in their daily activities how minuscule it is.

The Fleshly Mind

Somehow I got back to thinking about the meaningless stuff in life. I have not been reading my bible like I should (I need a new one btw cause this King James Version just is not cutting it. I have it sitting on the floor where I left it and for the record I usually do work on the floor).

It all started when I was thinking about my fasfa and possible refund options. Then it went from that to getting rich off of screen writing. That is mostly what I have focused on was being rich. I never been rich before but I would like to try it. I think I would be a good rich person.

Money has always been an issue and it is hard not to think about it while in college. It can be finding jobs that will take you away from actually doing your homework and keep you from sleep or worrying about that lump sum of tuition. Regardless money is always on the mind.

I want to be rich not for the fancy homes and regular stuff ( I do love travel by the way) but more for the things that I can buy with the money. I am wanting art supplies (which can vary from film equipment to your regular art brush ) and books mostly. I like good food as well. I mostly just want a good life.

One thing I must remember is that our God is a God of more than just materialistic blessings. God grants us the spirit of love and communication through different ways. God grants us the ability to think differently.

The thing that scares me is that most of the time I have been thinking about myself as the outcome and then letting others come second as far as any of my work is concerned. I am not doing anything just for myself or just to get rich. It is not about being rich but accomplishing a goal and that is to spread the same love that God shows for use whether it is through screenwriting or maybe even just sharing information.

I feel bad in a way because I have been very fleshly minded but I have to admit this week/ this month seems like it has been a long month. I’m scared for whatever is next for me in the months ahead. I really do not want to leave bible college because I do not want to cave in to a fleshly mind.

I would like to go to art college very badly though. I have many ideas and I want to focus on screenwriting and film in general. When I learn a new technique for art I would be so anxious to try it. What I do not understand would be how am I serving others. What am I doing. It seems so weird that someone who wanted to know if they had a call or not upon there life wants to go to art school.

I honestly do not know where to go and I want a break before I go anywhere unless God thinks that it is the right time to move on. Until I have something I guess I will be staying here.

Am I ready?

I would always get excited and anxious for something cool to happen. A huge life changing event. Something where I am actually recognized or I finally master what ever gift or talent I needed to master and then voila my life will change. The question is would I be ready. Am I too young to reach success? Will I be able to handle it? Do I have to have it all together before God can grant me the desires of my heart? I am always just dreaming and when I find out that a dream can possibly be a reality I start to panic and if it is a dream that is beyond my imagination then I really start to panic.

I would get very excited and tense at the same time.  It is like I am ready for it all to happen for me now but am I really ready.

If I am able to do the unbelievable shall I shrink back in fear because I am afraid to fall on my face or should I try something different and see what happens?

God Sees the Heart…..and The Soul

As a Christian who is trying to get this whole discipleship thing right I would always be so harsh to myself and maybe even box myself in a little. I do not give myself freedom and space or try and get to know myself and be like “hey I’m sorry if I hurt you and I need to treat you better do YOU have any suggestions”.  I would see the bad and criticize myself on how much I’m reading the bible, how many mistakes I made. Believe me if I had a whip I probably would be like the man in the Da Vinci code giving myself so many lashes because I am always doing the wrong thing or being un christ like.  I would always forget something very important. God is the only thing that can validate me. God is the reason why I am weird, he is the reason why I am this way he just wants me to be myself and learn how to be better. God does not want me to put myself down to the point of plotting suicide and being okay with torture in hell.  Why would God want that?

God loves me and he sees past everything and looks into my heart and so deep all the way to my soul and says look at this beautiful soul right here. I can not wait for this soul to just be let loose and set free. I love this soul so much that I gave my only son for it. This soul right here is capable of a lot of good things.

Instead I look at myself. I look at MYSELF.  I do not even look at my soul because I am soo busy being a confused 20 year old. I am trying to find her. I am such a chameleon that I forget who I am.

God does everyone like that. He knows you are human and he looks deeply with in you and be like this soul right here is beautiful.

Know God, let God set you free and let yourself be receptive to lead a life that is more than what this natural world can give. Live a supernatural life. A life that surpasses boundaries and that goes beyond the normal eyes.