What is next? That is the question that continually pops up in my brain begging me to give it an answer quick and straight to the point. The bad part is that nothing that deals with me is quick and straight to the point. I have to really think, I go back and I change my mind all the time or I am stuck in the dark abyss called I don’t know. If I don’t know, that means I really don’t have a clue.
I think this may be because of my mental health. I’ll admit I am anxious, depressed and seem moody. It all gets me down and I need that question “what is next?” answered in order to keep me going. It is an insatiable hunger to search for who I am that drives me (in sometimes drives me nuts). This may be the most unhealthiest thing ever.
So what is next? Well then you have the phase in life that seems to repeat itself and that is depression ( Again, I wrote something on this but haven’t put it up yet. Will put up later). I go through this phase in life where it is very dark. I don’t want to go anywhere and don’t want to do anything. I never want to think about the future or what could possibly happen. All I want to do is shut everything off and be absorbed in a different reality. I find myself getting different types of “highs” such as a writing high or a music high. The great thing about this stage is how the brain is slowing down and allowing me to experience such “highs” that take me away from the world.
So what is next? I begin to realize that my deep dark moments keep popping up so now I gotta do something about that. I don’t want to continue living life like this anymore. I hate it. It disgusts me. I feel worthless and then to make matters worse you have people who say well this would’ve happened if you only took your medication. Then I have to try and figure out if this means I am nothing but an empty robot without medication or not. Am I able to just live?
I ask myself so many questions like what to do first? Should I try and go back to a regular college and study anthropology or go to bible college? Should I stay at a place where I don’t want to be because God may be teaching me a lesson? What does God want me to do? Is God telling me to go to Bible College or not?
In the end, I feel lost. No answers. Afraid. Scared of everything, Over-analyzing what people say (btw I am very analytical and creative….really interesting combo).
Update: I’ve actually learned that I need to enjoy the now rather than focus on what’s next all of the time. Even though I know what to do now I still struggle with my thoughts at times.