I have been rethinking my spiritual practices. I have been doing things the same and they haven’t been working out like they should. My biggest issue is reading the bible. I always want to read a chapter a day but it feels to a certain extent unrealistic to me. So now instead of trying to read a chapter a whole day I am going to try a chapter for a week and pick verses to meditate on each day from that chapter and at the end of the week look at the chapter as a whole.
As far as college is concerned. I am still attending bible college for now. If nothing works out this semester then I am going to try one more semester where I am now. I would definitely like a break before I try anything else out. I know I’m on a journey but right now it just feels horrible. I had put off the idea of dropping out on hold for a little bit longer. Right now it seems like I am mostly just waiting on God to show me a pathway. I have opened myself up to other options such as going to an art school that I have always wanted to go to. My problem is again with fear. Fear of being in debt. Fear of leaving spiritual work behind but I do not think that is the case. I do not have to be a preacher and communicating does not mean having speeches, preaching or anything we consider a traditional way of getting messages across.
As far as art is concerned I have not been doing too much of anything. I have an idea but I haven’t started because I do not know how to start it. After talking to my mother I learned that I tend to box myself in because of my perfectionism. I always want everything to be perfect but now it is time to just start things and just do them. That is exactly what I plan to do. I need to just have fun and let myself free.
I do not know what God’s plan is but I have been having a good time. I hardly ever have a good time. I went out to eat twice, went to a party and just lived like I had no care in the world. It is nice but I know that I must also be wise. Sometimes I can be a straight butthole to myself. I do not allow myself fun sometimes. I beat up on myself. God ain’t even this hard on me. So in other words I need to loosen up a bit.