I struggled with finding my purpose and suicide so much. I went to Bible college and decided to just live for God and not worry about it again until the anxiety came back to haunt me.

During my winter break I was on the brink of failing my Christian Education class. I thought I was going to be able to pull out of it and be successful but the when it got down to 2 days I could not pull myself out of this pit.  I accepted the failure and decided to take the class again.

I wanted to be able to finish the class on a good note because I am so anxious to leave school. I dislike school and I want to be able to have a break. I feel like I need the break after going to three school from highschool graduation till now (2013-2015). Many people say that it is normal for people to switch around schools and even though I know the stats are out there still I want to take a break.

In order to take a break I would need to have money. Not only do I need to have money but also shelter. My mother is now homeless and I definitely do not want to live with other family members and be controlled.  It is easy to become codependent but I am trying to break from the lifestyle, plus I actually like being on my own. I have to be on my own. None of my family is going to be there when I die and I am getting judged by God. Who will be my witness and who else would be there? No one but God and I.

Somedays I feel like hell would not be bad and I am okay with having my soul tormented until God ceases for evil to exist.  I  can not go into suicide yet it seems like everything is dark. I do not even know what to do. I feel lost and hurt because I am restless and anxious. I want to learn how to relax but I feel like I can not until I know that everything is okay.

God wants me to know that I do not have to know everything and be anxious for anxiety will lead into evil but it seems so hard to surrender but it is not till those times when we get towards this time where we are the weakest and can not do anything we rely on him.

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

Psalm 37:8

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