I’m so anxious to write something amazing. I’m so anxious to get out of school. I’m so anxious to hit that spot in life where I can just take off running. I’m so anxious to finally live the life I had always dreamed. This anxiety overwhelms me to the point of doing something crazy. I run myself crazy and try to numb the pain by focusing all my energy into something meaningless. I try and escape from my anxiety but I can not. I lose myself and probably some of my brain cells trying to lose myself in a fantasy world in order to lie and wait for my life to begin.

I’m sick of everything. I lock myself in the room. I wait anxiously for inspiration to comes and when it does I lose energy.  I drown myself into something else. I distract myself.  I listen to the other voices of people giving me suggestions when it is like they don’t know the whole story. i want to pour my heart and soul into something. I always thought writing was that outlet.  I like but I dislike it.   Why couldn’t it have been drawing because I’ve always wanted to draw my own anime? It naturally became an interest to me and I focused on it long and hard. Why couldn’t it be business? I went to school for it yet I failed but many business women were impressed by me. Many failures and many business ideas yet no turn out.

I am burned out from school and not knowing who I am or what I should do. I try and avoid people because I am a chameleon and lose myself within the process yet you need them for the process that you must have to find out what to do.  I’m so sick of heartbreak, hurt, numbness and pain. I am sick of failure with school and poor choices.

I want to thrive, I want to thrive, I want to thrive so much that I am losing my mind.

I seek after God to know the truth. I seek God to learn about me. I feel so delusional.  When I feel God’s comfort I feel the most sane. When I am in silence I feel the most peace.  When I am in prayer I feel the best and when I am working with in the spirit my soul can be at rest. If only I surrender.

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