I choose this picture because I love swimming. I feel free and connected to the water. I believe that this picture shows how those who live letting their spirit free live. They are daring individuals who are actually living and thriving each day of their lives.
I feel like I have been going through a rehabilitation period. I’ve been re learning about how to go to college and how to get unplugged(listening to music and surfing the web) and back to my spiritual life. When I was first going to write this post I felt like I may have not been ready to go to bible college or that I was not called to be a pastor. Now I am looking at some different aspects of my life of why I am confused and in disordered.
Before I went to bible college I was told that I was in disorder. I know that I was. I felt it. I felt like I had to plug into something in order to survive. I would always hear things like i’m lazy and never doing anything important (when I was actually doing something that was close to my heart). I had to plug in because I always heard if you only take your medication, you messed around at siue and you did this and you did that. Then when someone would want me to feel encouraged that same person (who talked about me) would tell me that I am beautiful and smart. How am I suppose to feel. I didn’t just plug in because of that but I plugged in because I was ready to kill myself. I know I am not suppose to hear everything and let things roll off but that just is not me. I have not developed thick skin. Most of my life I have been told negative stuff about myself whether or not it was weight or something else. So I felt like I needed to get out of there. Everyday (on top of the stuff I went through) I disliked life. I disliked waking up in my room. I needed to get out or I was gonna be crazy. Then I felt crazier because here I am wanting to go to bible college and ready to kill myself if I didn’t go.
Many people said don’t go. I was struggling to find a bus ticket and things at home felt like it was getting worse even through on the outside it seemed alright. My bestfriend even told me that I didn’t have the patience, discernment and i’m earthly minded so I shouldn’t do it. I felt so upset. I actually wanted to go to bible college so badly and then I was told this. I felt very depressed afterwards. I started accepting not going to bible college. I decided that I was going to try and stick it out one more year.
It was down to crunch time, my classes at the bible college was going to begin the next day. I was trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind while I felt like I was stepping down. I thought that I can possibly do everything next semester. I can stick it out a couple or more months but in my heart I felt deeply sadden. I felt broken. I felt very angry with God and myself. I almost wanted to not do anthropology if it was God wanted me to do it and it gave me joy. I constantly felt like I wanted to cross over this imaginary edge where I just lose everything and not care (Today I had a dream where I had the ability to destroy everything with some sort of fire power. I was with a team. I then went to prison, my husband visited me and was going to take a picture to send to our daughter, he was remarried. I was about to commit suicide and I saw the imaginary edge I was going to jump off the edge then I got scared). Basically I was losing my temper but I was also losing my mind and my sanity.
So now, here I am in bible college sitting in my sit during chapel listening to a man preach about the truth. He told us that it may be painful, it is a journey and some are not ready. I thought about my own life and how I may not be ready for the truth. Maybe the truth was I wasn’t suppose to be here and I was suppose to be an anthropologist. I didn’t get as depressed but I just thought about it. I felt like I needed to relearn how to pray and how to hear God. I wanted to know where I am as far as if I am in the right direction.
Today, I feel amazingly well. Not everything is fine and dandy but I feel better than I have in a long time. Today many peers have given me some information about myself. I found that I have the gift of knowledge. I love to learn, I am always curious and I love to analyze things. In each class not only do I think about how people would see that I am smart but I would also continue to think what is my ministry. I wrote many things down about ministry and a church a long time ago and I am still writing things down about the church. Lately I’ve been thinking about a tea shop too. I also want to do actually want to do anthropology but I still want to go to bible college.
Right now all I know is that people around me have said things such as don’t limit yourself and share your knowledge. I feel very good about this and feel like I can do this. I feel like I need to just follow my heart. I wasn’t able to get this message at the state I was in while in belleville. I still don’t have a definite idea of what I need to do but I feel great.
In the sermon I was talking about earlier the speaker was saying wait 6 months and be patient with the truth. So for right now that is exactly what I have to do. I should continue searching, trying to get me spiritually together and as a whole try and find myself.