I am afraid. This is the most terrifying thing in my life that I am dealing with…..it’s called answering the calling. I know that fear is the root of sin (I wrote about it). I know that it causes separation.
Why am I afraid?
I never liked school. At the beginning of my college career I had to go to a summer program (I will talk about what all happened in another post but not right now) and a lot of stuff happened that affected me in the next semester. During my fall semester at the first college I had many issues such as depression and laziness. I went to all my classes, I did go to a few parties( but I didn’t drink or have drugs), I paid attention and I still failed. If I really look at it it all started from my last years in highschool (another post for another time). But anyway I am scared because of failure. I went to college and I was a business major. I was very passionate about business. I took classes on how to start your own business and went to meetings with business women. I didn’t want to work for anyone and I could never imagine myself living the regular life stuck in a office and then going home. That just wasn’t for me. Seminary school on the other hand is waaay more difficult than just regular college. Seminary school is a serious place. No music and lots of analyzation. Many people would say that it is a good fit for me because of how serious I am and analytical I can be at times. But the past prevails (and as I think of finals) I think of me being burned out and not wanting to do this. I have worried my mom till she wanted to start throwing stuff at me and said if you don’t want to do this then don’t but then it is like I do want seminary school. I want to go after this life style that I want. I can not imagine myself doing anything else and I love it. I have freedom with it and can make it work for me…plus travel opportunities and I get the best of both worlds. It is my dream life. But then I start thinking about people who are doctors and engineers…people who are heros to others or making lots of money. It really gets to me because I would feel like i’m not smart (and I am very smart…) or I am just not doing anything really because this whole thing about being a preacher is so surreal for me. I’m not even in the seminary school(yet).
For me being in college and going to school for business was a comfort zone that I was forced out of. With a degree in (I was in the international business program) international business I could travel the world and have money. Now it is like I have no plan what-so-ever. The only things I know is that I want to have my own church for a while( I have it all written out from a long time ago) and the fact that the world sabbatical was just the coolest word ever (I learned about this when I was 16 working as a receptionist for a non profit).
Another fear is the fear of being on my own again. My best friend/ devil’s advocate(in a loving way) has brought up another fear while I was writing this. I want to be alone and away from my family. I have always wanted this and it is not because of how dysfunctional they can be. I wanted to see what the world has to offer and see different parts of America. I have been in the midwest most of my life and it is now time to just break free. My fear is of my depression and being bipolar. I’m getting so sick of that being a reason why I can’t do anything or go anywhere because people think I will be suicidal or I need medication. It pisses me off. 1. I am never EVER going to take medication again because that stuff makes me sick and drowsy.
Lately I have been thinking that I need to shut it all off. Go read the Berserk Manga finally. Get my mind off of the exciting yet very scary life change. If I continue to listen to such things I may not even go and this is something I have no real choice in. Therefore I shall go and relax.