You do WHAT? For WHO?


Recently I had a life changing, game changing discovery.  This discovery took me some years of figuring out denial and failing with a mixture of depression. This discovery is that I need to go to seminary school. I know that I am called and I still go back to denial because of fear. I have told a couple of people that I was tired of regular school and that I was called into ministry and I can’t really visualize myself doing anything else.  This is something I have to do even through some days I may not be willing. It is very exciting and scary at the same time but I have to let go of fear. Some of the people I have told about this new discovery were excited, somewhere like I should’ve went already and some think it is the stupidest idea ever. I do sometimes say that it is crazy because of the fact that I am a very intelligent or smart girl and I am not in college. If I continued I would have been an anthropologist so there would’ve been no way out of crazy town. People say I am not going to make money. That is something I heard before because in my sophmore year of highschool I was going to be a photographer. I continue to hear that saying that I will not make money with anything except for business that I want to pursue. I wanted to pursue business because I enjoyed it but college kinda took the enjoyment out of it. I took many business classes before college I even tried writing business plans before. I met with women who owned their own business so I know my stuff. The thing is I would not work for anyone. I never planned on working for anyone I wanted my own business. When I transferred to swic I was only in Marketing to go to the peace corps. Once I e-mailed the peace corps office for my area I got a discouraging e-mail that said I would need also two years of working experience in my field. In other words, to me marketing was useless. It was useless to get the degree. Then after that I had a call from a friend of the family who gave me a rude awakening. This was that I would probably make the same mistake again and that what I was doing now was not right for me. I understood and agreed with her.  Many people would think I was being put down but I wasn’t because I was in agreement. I have been searching on the internet the signs that college isn’t right for you. After that I gave myself two options. One was to teach english abroad and the other was seminary school. When I flunked out of college (SIUe) I went to stay with my grandparents over the break. I felt like I had some clarity at that time because that was my first real break (I had been going to college right after graduation). Over this break the plan was to get into seminary school. Instead of obeying I rebelled and went to swic. It was kind of a good thing for me to go to swic cause that allowed me time to find the right school. My best friend and I searched for the school and often till late at night. I just had to leave. It was my time to go. We finally found a school that I liked and in a place where I wanted to go. That was when my excitement was at a high and I felt very happy. Then fear started sinking in. Not only fear but many people around me talking about no money or I wasn’t called. I don’t want the money anymore. I don’t care about that too much. Yes I need a roof over my head and yes I need food. But is that mediocre way of living called surviving for me. The answer to that is no. I am sick and tired( in everyway imaginable) of surviving. I can’t do it. People can go ahead and just pick a major and stick to it just because of the job market is doing well good for them in the end was it worth being in debt? Was it worth not living? Was it worth being chained and bound? I never wanted to lead a normal life. I want more. I am hungry and restless to live out the purpose God has set for me.

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